Slurred Mind.

I have 3 aunts who live near each other, with the farthest being a 5 min walk away.
2 of the houses are practically behind each other with the 3rd down the street, just around the bend.
Now, I'm just as much family as the rest of my cousins, but then again I'm not.
Don't have the bond that they do, understandable, since they all grew up together, while I just made guest appearances like a holiday episode of a sitcom.
SO I kinda grew up alone. Nothing wrong with that, except when you know what you are missing out on.

That shaped me into who I am. Just like how your childhood shaped you. Most likely why I have no problem getting a long with other people. I'm readily accepting of them and the friendship that they will/may provide. Almost naive, you could say.
Problem is, there is a lot of bullshit out there. Learned that growing up. That among other things added to my bitter, angry persona.
But I'm still accepting, just hoping that the bullshit will be on the low side. Treating folks like the brother/sister/cousin, I never had.
Wish I had.
Trying hard not to fall back into the only child again. Maybe trying to hard.
maybe.

Am I making excuses for myself.
Most probably.
Is this the answer?
Most probably not.
Did the above really shaped me?
Doubt it. More like the lack of. Gotta throw some bullshit sometimes and see what sticks.
Mind is fuzzy. Tired.
Tired the way that only the beach can make you.
Just ramblings in hopes of stumbling upon the real answer. Gotta sift through the bullshit until you find the bull.

I don't know what that means either.

I've been pissed off.
Don't know why, just am. Not at any particular person or thing. Just in general. But I've been kinda taking it out on people. Been lashing out I have. Thus in the process, I might have pissed off some people as well. Normally, this would make one feel good, cause as we all know, misery loves company.
Might have lost some friends for awhile or at least I won't be seeing/hearing from them in awhile. Too bad. Good friends are hard to find.

A lot harder to make friends nowadays. Haven't made any in awhile. Lemme rephrase that, Haven't made and good friends in quite awhile.
Now my grumpy-ness has been here for a little bit. At least a week. The people that I tell my shit to, the ones that help me work it out, don't even know all of it. Just the big things that I have to face the consequences. Actually, I shouldn't say big things. More like the things that worry me more. Big things don't necessarily translate in to worriness.

At the time I though it was how my day started but I realized, not soon enough mind you, that the 1st event just made me snap, I guess and the 2nd event just sealed the deal.
I'm angry, so I took at myself to figure out why, but my angry cloud makes it hazy and I only see how disgusted I am with where I'm at. Cause I know I can do better and I know I should be doing better. But I'm not, which only fuels my anger.
The cycle continues.

Trying to snap outta it but haven't found the thing to do it. Don't know the key to the door or the missing piece of the puzzle if you will. Doesn't help that I'm angry, (separate form the original anger), with the way I played out things, while full of said anger, but, shiit.
Too late now.

Hell, the cake didn't even help.
Seemed off.
Movies aren't as good. Can't decide on what to watch at home. They aren't as entertaining. Ain't doing it for me.
I barely laughed when I went to see the Wedding Crashers.
Don't get me wrong, it's a funny movie and I know it's a funny movie. I can even think ahead to when I'll own the dvd and how I'll bust a gut laughing.
But not this night. Didn't do it for me.
It did lighten up my mood somewhat though. So, it might have worked a bit.
Shows you how pissed I was by the little effect it did have.
Even still, the combination of the flik and the goofy night on the town with the fellas, I dunno, cheered me...up...?? enough so that I was tolerable.
Or so I hope.

Had some tasty chinese food to boot.

Does this make any sense? Ah, who knows. I'm tired. I'm rambling. My words are starting to slur in my mind. You know you should sleep when the words are slurred and you aren't even speaking them.

I gonna go and see if this has emptied my head enough so that I can catch some zzzz's.